Friday, March 30, 2007

Green-eyed monster

I am jealous. Really jealous. Green-eyed monster envious. My parents came out last night to show us their new car. New car! *sigh* I have to own up to my envy here. While I am thrilled for them (their last car was a lemon with a capital L), I looked over at my 1996 Dodge Grand Caravan and felt more than a twinge of jealousy. My van has 136,000 miles on it and has reached the point where we lay hands on it and pray for it's continued health every time we get in it to go somewhere. Seriously, if I get from point A to point B and back again in one piece then it's been a good trip! One thing I don'tenvy them is their monthly car payment. $410 a month! Yikes! One good thing about an eleven year old vehicle is the payments are really low! But still, I've never experienced that new car smell firsthand so I will remain, at least just a little, envious.

Oh, Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol, why do you not knock on my door? I am waiting for you...

Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's official: I'm old

A bad, bad thing happened to me last night. I bought my first pair of drug-store reading glasses. It's gotten to a point where I have a constant headache from staring at the computer screen all day so I gave up and bought some "cheaters" (as my dad calls them) at Wal-Mart last night. I now look like a crabby librarian with my specs perched on the end of my nose.

All I can hope is that hubby doesn't have a librarian fantasy, because this will be too good for him to pass up!

The worst has finally happened

I knew this day was coming. It was inevitable. I am no magician, no sorceress; I can't stop time from marching onward. But even though I knew it was coming, I still couldn't contain my shock when it finally happened.

My oldest, Jacob, who will be nine in April, has decided that he is no longer calling me "Mommy". He informed me last night (in the car on the way to Wal-Mart) that he is too grown up to call me "Mommy" and will therefore now call me "Mom". The whole time we were shopping he'd start to say "Mommy" but catch himself and edit it down to just plain ol' "Mom". I have to admit, it sounds so weird coming out of his mouth. He has called me 'Mommy" since he learned to talk. He's also christened his father "Dad" instead of "Daddy". Apparently my husband knew of this sudden maturity and failed to tell me. I owe him a whack on the head for that little sin of omission!

What's next? Dating? Wanting to go places without me? Or the most horrible thought of all: Will he finally realize that no, Mom is not the smartest woman alive? I'm quivering in my boots here with worry that my authority and wisdom are going to be in doubt...

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Parental Advisory

I think parental advisory labels are wonderful. I know nothing about music so it's nice that there's a handy-dandy label on any CD that might contain something offensive. I mean, I don't want to be cruising down the road with a minivan full of kids, listening to a CD and have someone drop the F-bomb unexpectedly. And thanks to that friendly little label, I know not to buy my 4-year old an Eminem CD, no matter how much they beg me.

In the spirit of fair warning, I propose that they now include parental advisory warnings on a new genre of offensive material: children's cartoons. Oh, I know that the ones on TV are already rated; I've seen the TV-Y, TV-7, etc., ratings. Sure, they're rated for kids, but what about me? There is no warning whatsoever that will tell me when one of those fantastic little earworms will wiggle it's way into my brain and take up residence. So until they find a way to broadcast these shows in a frequency that only kids can hear (think: dog whistles), parents need a heads-up before they tune the telly to a show that will drvie them to the very brink of madness.

So in the interest of public safety (and to prevent other parents like me from buying a high-powered sniper's rifle and taking up position on the rooftop of the Nickelodeon headquarters building) I've come up with a few labels that I think might work:

TV-C Cute--Will not cause major annoyance to anybody who might watch it. Suitable for all ages.

TV-MA Mildly Annoying--Some songs or phrases might stick in your brain for a while after you are done watching. Annoyance usually passes quickly. Watching more than twice in a row is not recommended.

TV-AAH Annoying As Hell--You will be fine for the first 10 minutes or so, then a headache will develop behind your eyes. Keep the Excedrin handy because you're going to need it.

TV-DWI Don't Watch It--Your kids will want to watch it over and over and by the 3rd time they've watched it ina day, you will want to scour your brain with Comet cleanser to get the music out of your head.

TV-HM Homicidal Maniac--By the time the opening credits have ended, you will want to hunt down and kill the evil, evil demons that wrote this horrendous crap and passed it along to your kids. You will want to start a support group for people who have been traumatized by this auditory abuse. Having a defense lawyer on retainer (and speed-dial) is recommended because you WILL want to hurt somebody.

I urge you to contact your local politician and ask, nay, BEG them to introduce a bill into legislation calling for the immediate use of parental warning labels on any cartoon broadcast on Disney, Nickelodeon, Noggin, PBS, PBS Kids, Cartoon Network and Boomerang.

Now, where did I put Tipper Gore's phone number?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

A big bowl of bliss

I have eight words for you: Edy's Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie Ice Cream. Get some and you'll understand.


I've gotta get out of the house more often

I've gotta get up off my big fat butt and do something. Now that the weather is nice I can't let myself sit here on the computer all day chatting with my friends. It's getting kinda pathetic--I'm ignoring the people right in front of me so I can talk to people I've never met in person. Not good, I tell ya. Not good.

It's no wonder I'm as pasty as a ghost. I can't remember the last time I went out in the sunlight. That's it! I'm signing off and staying off for at least 5 hours, maybe more. See ya later!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Thank God it's....spring

Because I don't think I could have taken much more winter. I looked out the window the other day and noticed that my lilac bush has little green buds all over it. Yesterday, I weeded out my daylily bed and saw the first signs of green pushing through the dirt. Brought a big smile to my face, lemme tell you.

I'm not sure why I live where I do. I hate winter: the snow, the slush, the ice, big, bulky coats, huge heating bills, travel worries...the list goes on and on. White Christmas? Pbbllllttt.....snow doesn't make my Christmas any better; just makes it more bothersome to visit relatives. Give me a spring day any time and I'm a happy girl.

Be sure to check back in August when I'm bitching about how hot it is. Then you can laugh at me and call me fickle!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Dog People

I like dogs. Dogs are wonderful pets. I do not own a dog because they are a LOT of work. I'm more of a cat person. I love how you can basically throw some food and water at a cat, and as long as it's litterbox is scooped daily, a cat can amuse itself. We had a dog once, for about 9 months. We got her as a puppy and she was this really adorable ball of fluff that had that wonderful smell of puppy breath and pee. Unfortunately, within 6 months, that adorable ball of fluff had transformed into a 60-pound monster that had the strength of a titan. I was pregnant at the time, and it got so bad that I couldn't go too close to her because she had knocked my pregnant butt on the ground more than once. My oldest son was terrified of her because she'd knocked him down one day and had him pinned while she jumped on him and tried to lick him to death. He refused to go near her. So unfortunately, sweet doggie had to go buh-bye.

So what is my beef, you ask? ('Cuz if you know me then you know there has to be a beef in here somewhere, and of course, you'd be right.) Dog owners who can't go anywhere without dragging Rover or Spot with them. They are the people who run to the store for a loaf of bread and tow the dog with them. These are the poor beasts who lose their minds when you walk past them, locked in the car with the windows cracked an inch while their owners stroll down the aisles of the store. They are the people who dress their dogs in ridiculous outfits and who probably spend more money on FiFi's fashions than they do on their own. They have dog carriers that look like Louis Vuitton purses (and cost as much as well) so they can tote their pampered pooch in style. I'm not just talking about the Paris Hiltons or Lindsay Lohans of the Hollywood set who drag their pooches around like living, breathing accessories. I'm talking about Herb and Ida who live next door who drag Pickles the Poodle to the Giant Eagle (or Food Lion or Piggly Wiggly or Wal-Mart) every week when they do their shopping.

Today's gripe: We took the kids to a farm today. (Don't laugh at me; I realize the irony of it: we live on a farm and on our "off days" we go to another farm.) It's a county park that has a real, working farm on it. I didn't see any signs prohibiting dogs, but c'mon, why would anybody with a brain drag their dog through a farm where there are lots of animals (and kids) running around? This place was packed--it was the first nice weekend day this spring and EVERYBODY (and their dog) was out enjoying the weather. There must have been 30 dogs being dragged through this farm. All growling at each other, sniffing each others' butts, and generally going bonkers because they wanted to chase the poor, unsuspecting farm animals that were going about their daily business.

I don't get it. When we had our dog we used to leave her at home if we were going somewhere that she wouldn't be welcome. I understand that dogs need exercise and all, but still, I don't think a farm crowded with kids and farm animals is an appropriate place to take your dog. I watched a little boy almost get bitten because he tried to pet somebody's dog and the dog was not having any of it. Luckily for the boy, he got away unscathed.

Maybe I'll put my cat on a leash and see how people like it when I bring him with me. That would be interesting, don't you think?