Hi, I'm Ella. I never went by Cinderella. That was one of the many things that those darn Brothers Grimm changed when they stole my story. They better hope they never meet me in a dark alley...because I'm going to kick some butt and take some names if we ever cross paths. Those "authors" really told you all a pack of lies...
You want the true story? The real deal? Well, here it is:
My mother and father raised me in a loving home. My mother didn't die; on the contrary, she is still very much alive. We lived in a nice, middle-class neighborhood and even had a woman come and clean our house three times a week. I was never forced to be a servant. That's just rubbish. When I reached adulthood, my parents encouraged me to to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I dabbled in college, even entertained thoughts of becoming a teacher. But all that changed one night when I met "Prince Charming" at a bar...
Here is another place that those stupid Grimm boys got all fictional on you. It turned out (and I only found this out after I married him) that "Prince" Charming wasn't royalty at all. His first name was Prince...you know, like the singer from Minneapolis? Likes purple? Changed his name to that weird symbol for a while? TAFKAP? Anyhoo, "Prince" Charming wasn't a member of any royal family. He came from a long line of steelworkers in Pittsburgh. But he never told me that. And let me just say, he played the prince thing for all it was worth. Drove a fancy car, wore designer clothes, never paid for a drink...yeah, he fancied himself royal all right. His family had money at one time, back when the steel business was booming. His grandparents still lived in a pretty snazzy house, and that was the only place that I ever saw his family in. Turns out his parents were really down on their luck and living in a trailer in the Happy Times Trailer Park on the outskirts of town. But they really put on the airs when we met that first time. It was our engagement party and I remember it well...
I should have been suspicious when it was mostly my family at the party. The only ones from his side were his parents and grandparents. His mother's dress looked a bit shabby but I thought they were just eccentric. Had I looked closer, I would have noticed that her tiara was made out of aluminum foil and rhinestones. But I was dazzled at the prospect of being a princess, so I closed my eyes to anything that seemed questionable. It did seem strange that his father insisted on carrying a scepter all night, but again, I chalked it up to the eccentricities of royals. Oh, I was so blind. And before we go any further, I need to clarify a few more things that have been bugging me: there are no such things as fairy godmothers. Believe me, I've tried to conjure one up and it hasn't worked yet. So pumpkins turning into carriages, mice into horses, rags to ballgowns...all lies, made up by those men to sell books. And glass slippers? C'mon, how stupid can you be to believe that? That would have to be some seriously strong glass to support the weight of a person. Glass slippers would shatter, and who in the world wants to walk around with shards of glass in their feet all night? Bloody toes are not sexy or attractive.
But back to the story...
According to tradition, my parents paid for the wedding. It was beautiful. My mom and dad really went all out on the shindig. Flowers, music, decorations, cake...it had it all. It did seem odd when Prince's parents showed up in a Gremlin. They told us they were trying to save the environment by driving an old car. Didn't make much sense to us but we just laughed it off. Our wedding gift from them was kind of strange too. Who in the world gives a laundry basket filled with pork rinds and Wal-Mart brand diet soda? If only I'd been doing the math, I would have added two and two together and realized that these people were not who they said they were. But I was in love and love is blind. (And apparently really stupid as well.)
So, here we are, ten years and seven kids later. Remember how I said I was never a servant? Well, that was then and this is now! Prince leaves every morning for his day job at the Kwickie Mart while I get the kids, Duke, Viscount, Marquise, Duchess, Earl, Princess, and Lady ready for school. Yeah, Prince insisted on those names. Needless to say, our kids get beat up a lot. I spend a lot of time at the school picking up the kids from the nurse's office. When I'm not going back and forth to the school, I'm at home cleaning. I'm sure you can imagine how much of a mess one husband and seven kids leave behind when they leave for the day. I do nine loads of laundry a day. I run the dishwasher twice a day as well. Our water bill is outrageous. Between nine showers a day, all the laundry and dishes, we rack up a $400 a month water bill. That's why Prince works two jobs. The day job at the Kwickie Mart and the night job at the landfill. Oh, and I work, too. Three days a week I clean houses for the rich people in the next town over. It's a living, I guess.
So there you have it: the truth behind the fairy tale. I'm sorry if I've disillusioned you. But c'mon, you didn't really believe that story, did you? I hate to cut this short but I have an appointment with my lawyer. I'm suing the Brothers Grimm over their use of my name and likeness. My lawyer says I have a pretty good case, which makes me happy. I'd really like to quit cleaning other people's houses for a while.
Before I go see the lawyer, I need to call Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. Rumor has it they've got an ax to grind with the illustrious Brothers Grimm as well. Sniff, sniff...I smell a class-action lawsuit...
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