Parental Advisory

I think parental advisory labels are wonderful. I know nothing about music so it's nice that there's a handy-dandy label on any CD that might contain something offensive. I mean, I don't want to be cruising down the road with a minivan full of kids, listening to a CD and have someone drop the F-bomb unexpectedly. And thanks to that friendly little label, I know not to buy my 4-year old an Eminem CD, no matter how much they beg me.

In the spirit of fair warning, I propose that they now include parental advisory warnings on a new genre of offensive material: children's cartoons. Oh, I know that the ones on TV are already rated; I've seen the TV-Y, TV-7, etc., ratings. Sure, they're rated for kids, but what about me? There is no warning whatsoever that will tell me when one of those fantastic little earworms will wiggle it's way into my brain and take up residence. So until they find a way to broadcast these shows in a frequency that only kids can hear (think: dog whistles), parents need a heads-up before they tune the telly to a show that will drvie them to the very brink of madness.

So in the interest of public safety (and to prevent other parents like me from buying a high-powered sniper's rifle and taking up position on the rooftop of the Nickelodeon headquarters building) I've come up with a few labels that I think might work:

TV-C Cute--Will not cause major annoyance to anybody who might watch it. Suitable for all ages.

TV-MA Mildly Annoying--Some songs or phrases might stick in your brain for a while after you are done watching. Annoyance usually passes quickly. Watching more than twice in a row is not recommended.

TV-AAH Annoying As Hell--You will be fine for the first 10 minutes or so, then a headache will develop behind your eyes. Keep the Excedrin handy because you're going to need it.

TV-DWI Don't Watch It--Your kids will want to watch it over and over and by the 3rd time they've watched it ina day, you will want to scour your brain with Comet cleanser to get the music out of your head.

TV-HM Homicidal Maniac--By the time the opening credits have ended, you will want to hunt down and kill the evil, evil demons that wrote this horrendous crap and passed it along to your kids. You will want to start a support group for people who have been traumatized by this auditory abuse. Having a defense lawyer on retainer (and speed-dial) is recommended because you WILL want to hurt somebody.

I urge you to contact your local politician and ask, nay, BEG them to introduce a bill into legislation calling for the immediate use of parental warning labels on any cartoon broadcast on Disney, Nickelodeon, Noggin, PBS, PBS Kids, Cartoon Network and Boomerang.

Now, where did I put Tipper Gore's phone number?